Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
You Might Also Like
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.