Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

is he marrying that labradoodle

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.