Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
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Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.