Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
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I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.