Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
You Might Also Like
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.