Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

same but as an audience member

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*