Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
You Might Also Like
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
plums roundup
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.