Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
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My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.