Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
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I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.