Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
You Might Also Like
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
thats my bad
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
me 2 months after i graduated
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers