Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
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[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I put the I in Insufferable.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
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My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes