Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
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[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves
Gets tackled by 15 rats instead
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”