Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
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My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?