instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
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don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Ironic
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.