Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

I miss this era type of pranks😭

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.