Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
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Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
