Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
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I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food