Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
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Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
@funTweeters
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.