Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
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ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Grew big
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*