Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
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I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Saturday
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems