Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

How does someone manage that 🤨

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan