Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN