@KKBowls

Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid

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@NervousJr

The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.

@speevis

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

@TheWeirdWorld

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

@bourgeoisalien

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

@clichedout

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

@_Enanem_

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

@TheAndrewNadeau

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

@jdforshort

Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust

Now I’m dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble

@iMikosnyc

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.