The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.
Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid
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Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
50+ [ ]
me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust
Now I’m dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble
Picture me eating dinner.
Even more backup dancers.