Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
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Best goalkeeper.. 😅
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.