Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

🙂🐾

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

Can’t stop laughing

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july