Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
You Might Also Like
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors