Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
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[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Actually cracking up @ this
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet