Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
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gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
the greatest twitter interaction
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?