Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

I’d use my best pan on you.

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

The Assassin.