The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
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Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
[being choked to death]
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Trained psychologists: “Hitting your kids can cause them to be violent adults”
Twitter genius: “I was hit and I never turned out violent. That’s why I can’t wait to hit my own kids when I get them”
“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”
Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*
“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”
ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Yes, your honor, but in my defense I thought he was stung by a jellyfish
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.