Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
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Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.