@Randazzoj

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

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@jonnysun

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

@captainkalvis

doctor: i’ve got good news and bad news
me: what’s the bad news?
doctor: you lost your short term memory
me: and what’s the bad news?

@ficklenuts

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

@Fab_Mommy_

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

@KenJennings

TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER
7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection.
Me: How many do you have?
7yo: Zero.
Me: ZERO?
7yo: I said it was empty.

@AnkCoupleTO

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

@iGreenBabe

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it’s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

@iwearaonesie

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

@bourgeoisalien

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

@Bunnydurden

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.