Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
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When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was “interested in men” I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Mute the voices in your head by eating really crunchy food.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol