instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
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Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
you can only post this today
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.