instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
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her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Where is your GOD now????
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.