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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.