Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
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‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring