Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
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Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
absolutely not
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Teach your children to beatbox
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Yes
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.