Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

won’t smith

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

your elf on the shelf was delicious

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.