Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.