Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.