Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
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me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
i smell a pulitzer
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Stop sending me this shit.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!