Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

🙁

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.