Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*