Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.