Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
You Might Also Like
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I never know how much to tip a cow.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered