Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
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Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
True story 🤣
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that