Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
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*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk