Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
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what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
That’s enough internet for the day
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Hmm 🧐
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but