Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

My age is news to me every single time I remember

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.