Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
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I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
the red hot silly peppers
Deer are just ballerina dogs
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?