Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
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Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
we’re gonna need another temp
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
me at the job i begged god for
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.