Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight