Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.