Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
You Might Also Like
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Omg 🤣
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science