Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
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Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
Bootstraps
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.