Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
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Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Current mood: Potato
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away