Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.