Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone