Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
You Might Also Like
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend