Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
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11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now