Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
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GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains