Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]