Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?