instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
This squirrel eats better than I do
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.