instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
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I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
“you changed” bro i was 15
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Natty or not?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
