instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
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To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped