Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
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[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.