Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.