Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
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whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE