Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

Bootstraps

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.