Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

Straight people are cancelled

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive