Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
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*updates tinder bio*
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Hmmmmm
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.