instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
Holy moly
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
The smoothest fall of all time
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
